Women derailing own relationships


Published: Thursday, January 3, 2008 at 6:01 a.m.
Last Modified: Wednesday, January 2, 2008 at 5:13 p.m.

I am perplexed by some of us ladies. The same women who desire so desperately to be loved and adored by a man do everything in their power to turn the men in their lives off from them.

I know women who are intelligent, beautiful, spiritual, own their own house(s), own their own car(s), shop ‘til they drop with their own money, and vacation in the nicest spots on earth on their own dime.

As much as these women have going for themselves, we have one conversation and one conversation only. This conversation starts off with their usual recounting of their latest accomplishment, immediately followed by their informing me of their latest career-based challenge, only to be cut short by them abruptly exclaiming, ‘‘Where are all the good men at?’’

This column is dedicated to my sisters who suffer from what I term the ‘‘Independent Woman Complex,’’ or IWC for short. A woman with IWC has many symptoms, including being obsessed with making a name for herself, being overly absorbed with the acquisition of material possessions, and being overly paranoid at the prospect of ‘‘falling victim’’ to a man by allowing him to meet some of her basic needs (i.e. food, shelter, clothing, etc.)

IWC has a number of causes, but it is primarily rooted in insecurity. This insecurity can be caused by a bad relationship, or it can be caused by a traumatic childhood.

Regardless of the cause, women who suffer from it become their own worst enemy when it comes to successful relationships. The reason is quite simple actually — to be ‘‘independent’’ is to be counter to the very nature of a relationship.

In the IWC world, a man is just a placeholder, filling a role that is not needed or desired. To the independent woman, a man is not needed because she ‘‘can do everything he can do, only better and with fewer headaches.’’

As a result, independent women rarely have a good relationship because relationships are based on dependence, NOT independence.

Ladies, if you consider yourself an ‘‘independent woman,’’ what do you want a relationship for? If you do not need a man for any reason other than to have a good time, you should not be surprised when all he wants is a ‘‘good time’’ from you.

When you are ‘‘independent,’’ you have no need for him to appreciate you, validate you, compliment you, or value you in anyway. A true independent person is neither made happy nor sad by the presence or absence of someone else.

If you do not fall into this category, stop calling yourself independent. If you feel bad when he does not call, or if you get excited when he does, you are a DEPENDENT WOMAN, and that is quite all right!

Glorifying the idea of an ‘‘independent woman’’ has left many sisters just that — independent. We cannot be surprised, outraged, or disappointed when a brother is seeing a woman of another hue when we do everything in our power not to need him.

‘‘All the women who ARE DEPENDENT, throw your hands up at me!’’

Got a relationship question? E-mail Nona C. Jones at NonaCJones@yahoo.com. Jones is a motivational speaker in the North Central Florida area and the author of "When the Soul Won't Let Go: No-Nonsense Answers to a Broken Woman's Questions," providing insights on relationships. Visit www.MinisterNonaJones.com for more information.

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