Don't set impossible standards if you're looking for Ms. Right
Published: Thursday, September 1, 2005 at 6:01 a.m.
Last Modified: Wednesday, August 31, 2005 at 4:37 p.m.
Q: I consider myself to be a good black man. I have a job, don't have any children, and treat the women in my life with the utmost respect. You know that saying, "Nice guys finish last?" Well, that's how I feel. Every woman I am interested in never feels the same way. They want a thug, which I am definitely not. How can I get a woman to notice me?
-The Nice Guy
A: Dear Nice Guy,
I often wonder if we can hold a national convention for the women who think there are no good men left, and the men who think women don't want a good man. It seems like that would be the easiest way to dispel both myths, but I realize such a scenario could never happen. Why? Simple: the "good" black men and women are always looking for the wrong thing.
Case in point: I have a friend we'll call "Wayne." Wayne is an all-around nice guy. He has a great job, attends church regularly, and has an incredibly good relationship with his family. He has no children and is waiting for marriage to have sex (yes, ladies, a real-life virgin M-A-N). When asked why he is still single, his prepared response is the usual, "because I'm too nice and black women don't want a nice man."
But, if Wayne would take just a moment to examine himself, I believe he would find the problem. In order for a woman to catch his eye, she must meet his criteria for beauty, which are: a) light skin, b) long straight/curly hair, c) slim waist and d) shorter than him.
While it is important to have standards, the fact that his entire system is based on physical appearance rather than character is disturbing. Sadly, this is the case with so many self-proclaimed "nice guys."
If a good woman or man is what you seek, I would encourage you to figure out what makes a man or woman "good." If your radar is set to "bootylicious" as the main ingredient, then you can guarantee you will always "finish last."
Second, never consider yourself unlucky if a certain person does not acknowledge you. You never want to "make" someone pay attention to you because you will spend the entire relationship asking for their attention.
Next, write down what you want in a woman. When finished, compare what you want to what you are. For example, if you want a light-skinned woman, but are Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate brown, make note of that difference. Realize that for everything you wrote down and do not exhibit, there are women who use the same criteria as a reason to rule you out.
What does this exercise teach you? If you want a good woman, you will have to broaden your scope. The same women who complain about the absence of good men rule you out because of standards they themselves may not live up to.
Nona C. Jones is a motivational speaker in the North Central Florida area and author of "When the Soul Won't Let Go: No-Nonsense Answers to a Broken Woman's Questions," providing insights on relationships. Visit www.WTSWLG.Bravehost.com for more information, or e-mail her at NonaCJones@Yahoo.com.
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