Nice guys don't have to finish last

Published: Friday, January 23, 2004 at 10:53 a.m.
Last Modified: Friday, January 23, 2004 at 10:53 a.m.

A loyal reader wrote me questions regarding the article, "Don't Have Shame In Your Game," so I decided to share with all of you my response to his questions.

Q: In paragraph four, you wrote, "Keep eye contact because girls like a man with self confidence." I was just wondering why girls like guys with self confidence. I've wondered this for a while now, and I haven't gotten a clear answer.

A: Girls like guys with self confidence because it shows that the guy is comfortable with who he is. Girls do not want to involve themselves with guys who are uncomfortable with who they are or insecure. Girls look at guys as the stable "man" in the relationship. If you don't show her that

you can take care of yourself, she's going to think you wouldn't be able to take care of her. If you are alright in your own skin, that makes the girl more comfortable around you. If a guy is self confident, he likes himself for who he is. How can you expect a girl to like someone who doesn't like himself first?

Q: I must admit my self confidence is average to low. I know I have flaws, and I'm not going to put myself out there as if I'm better than I am. So, what's with the confidence thing? What does that signal for a girl regarding a relationship? Does that mean that he won't be jealous of your

other guy friends, or that he won't constantly ask, "Do I look good in these pants?" Or does confidence signal that he will be a good lover?

A: Self confidence in no way means cockiness. You can be self confident without being cocky. Feeling comfortable about who you are and happy in your skin is what self confidence is all about.

Q: Just because a guy calls attention to himself and thinks he's the man, why is that attractive over the introverted, shy guy? Do all girls subscribe to this train of thought?

A: You don't have to call attention to yourself to be self confident, and it's okay to be shy or quiet if that's your personality. But if you don't say anything to a girl, how are you going to get with her? Not putting yourself out there and starting up a conversation is your first problem. A

girl wants to feel special, and if you don't think she is worth talking to, she won't give you a second look.

To get the girl you first have to communicate. I understand it is harder for shy guys to talk to girls, but I'd hope you know how to hold a conversation. You don't have to be as suave as Brad Pitt to pick up a girl. You have to remember to be realistic in who you hit on though. There are certain personality types that go better together than others.

I'm not saying that a shy guy won't get an outgoing girl, but sometimes that's just how it is. It has a lot to do with the individual people and how they get along with others.

Q: What about the girls that are shy and introverted themselves, do they want confident, outgoing guys?

A: Different girls have different opinions about guys. Shy girls could like confident, outgoing guys because their personalities balance each other. However, other shy girls might want a guy just like them. It is hard to distinguish what all girls will do because all girls are not the same. If they were, the world would be a boring place. I think atmosphere has a lot to do with what type of girls are around. If you go into a club, most girls there are not looking for a serious commitment. They are looking for a fun night on the town where they can dance and maybe

hook up. Those are not the nights to go out hunting for "the one".

However, if you are in class, enjoying one of your hobbies, or at a small party, you have a chance to talk to a girl who may be interested in more than just a one night stand, let alone, a sober conversation.

Q: Most girls around here either want to just kick it mellow and be friends for a while, or they get scared away because you express feelings beyond the typical "Wanna come over and get crazy?"

A: First of all, you have to realize that not all girls want the same things. If they just want to be friends, that's how it is. There is nothing you can do about someone who is not attracted to you.

You have to remember to be realistic because some guys get caught up in wanting a certain type of girl, and they just are not compatible. The right girl is out there, and she will like you for who you are. If she doesn't want a relationship, it either isn't the right time in her life, or she doesn't feel you are the one for her. However, I do not agree that most girls just want to kick it, because there are a lot of girls out there trying to find "the one" and don't party and get crazy all the time.

But if a girl is not interested she will just want to hang out as friends.

Q: The article makes it sound as if there are lots of young ladies out there that want to be taken out somewhere nice and that they respond to sincere, open and honest men that like them for more than their boobs. Where are these young ladies? If they're out there, I've failed to meet

even one since arriving in Gainesville in 1999.

A: Where do you find these girls that don't like to be respected? I, personally, do not know one girl who wants a guy to like them just for their boobs. Girls want respect. No matter what you

think, girls like to be treated right. I know that some girls like bad boys, but those girls just haven't gotten sick of the bad boys yet. Trust me, they will.

As women get older, they want more meaningful relationships. I can't think of one girl who would turn down a nice dinner date with a respectable man unless he just is not her type. You are obviously hanging out with the

wrong girls, or just every girl you meet doesn't have the same feelings you do.

Guys should keep perspective on what kind of girls they fall for. A combination of looks and personality may turn a girl on or off.

I understand there is nothing you can do about that, however, try surrounding yourself with different girls because most girls really do want a guy to care about them.

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