Sprinkle some spice on those goals

Published: Wednesday, January 21, 2004 at 11:14 a.m.
Last Modified: Wednesday, January 21, 2004 at 11:14 a.m.

One, two three. Do iiit.

Every January, why is it the norm to resolve to do just one measly thing? Even our hapless Dubya covered several areas of future interest in his Address the other night. While pledges to "go to the gym" and "get better grades" are admirable, they are so zestless, I am bored already. Snazz it up. Can you really ever say you've had enough shenanigans to satiate that nomad warrior inside? Conveniently, I have gone to task to enumerate some of my past and present personal goals. Enjoy, and remember that attitude is something you can put on, like a jacket.

Pick someone up from the bus stop if they are sitting all alone, looking sad. Maybe you two can go to the bookstore together, or perhaps they just need a ride to class.

Fake some class and have a Wine & Cheese party. Kraft should not be invited, but Robert Mondavi and Corbett Canyon are good enough guests.

Go to a frat house, only to use the bathroom. (This might not work for guys.)

Pet a chinchilla. They are so soft.

But don't try to mimic a chinchilla's bathing style. The volleyball sand at southwest does not equal synthetic volcano ash.

Drive way too far to see a band you regularly rag on just cause it's live music.

Remove every last shred of truth from your friendster.com profile, even if you know it's so last summer. Better late than never.

When you overhear a teenage girl in the mall say, "OK, this is going too far. True, this skirt is pink, and true, it has lace, and true, it has pearls, but it's.ugly!" don't even bother stifling your laugh.

Spring clean that side drawer next to your bed. Seriously, could you ever conceive of using that sparkly blue thing with anyone besides your lame-o ex?

On that note, go to an adult store without a herd of snickering same-sex friends, and without a significant other to prove that you will not be going home alone. Get some balls and look for something useful for yourself or a really close friend about to have a birthday.

Avoid meta-communication (talking about how you're communicating) when you're wasted.

Frivolous bike accessories: Get a bell on your bike. Guys may opt for a horn if it's not too hard on the ears. Streamers are cool, too, although less functional.

Don't forget to go out with your roommates. Remember how fun it was when you used to spend time together outside of the apartment/Albertsons?

Name your apparel choice for the evening. Setting the tone can make all the difference.

Invest in new mood lighting. The lava lamp has got to go. If your abode can pull it off, fiber optics are both retro and progressive.

Then switch it up and try a weird new position, like "South Slav Style."

Stay at the Bambi Motel once before you graduate.

Finally, get the hell out of Gainesville, be it by plane, train or scooter, slightly more often than you can realistically afford.

The truth of an idea depends on its practical consequences. Good luck, and Happy Trails!

Reader comments posted to this article may be published in our print edition. All rights reserved. This copyrighted material may not be re-published without permission. Links are encouraged.

Comments are currently unavailable on this article

▲ Return to Top